Love and affection in Thai

Thai has one main word for love, and it is short. รัก (rák) is a verb, so it works like any other verb: the person doing the loving goes in front of it, the person being loved goes behind. A man says ผมรักคุณ (phǒm rák khun). A woman says ฉันรักคุณ (chǎn rák khun). Only the first word changes, because Thai chooses the word for "I" by the speaker: ผม (phǒm) for a man, ฉัน (chǎn) for a woman. คุณ (khun) is "you". That full sentence is correct, and you will rarely hear it. What people say is รักนะ (rák ná), two syllables with no pronouns in them at all. Thai leaves out a pronoun whenever the situation already supplies it, and when you are looking at the person you mean, "I" and "you" are not in question. Spelling them out adds weight, which is why the full form belongs to the moments when the weight is the point: a first declaration, or something written down. The นะ (ná) on the end is a softening particle. It takes the announcement out of the sentence and makes it sound spoken rather than declared. ชอบ (châwp) is "to like", and the gap between it and รัก is wider in Thai than the gap between like and love in English. The mistake foreigners make is not usually confusing the two words. It is reaching for รัก early, because English stretches "love" so far: you love a restaurant, you love this weather, you sign off a message to your sister with love you. Thai does not stretch that far. รัก covers people and animals, and things you are genuinely attached to — a country, a cause, an occupation: รักเมืองไทย (rák meuang-thai), รักการอ่าน (rák gaan-àan), รักสัตว์ (rák sàt). What it does not stretch to is casual enthusiasm. ผมรักอาหารไทย (phǒm rák aa-hǎan thai) will be understood, and it is not a sentence a Thai person would produce. ผมชอบอาหารไทย (phǒm châwp aa-hǎan thai) is the normal one. The other half of that matters more. ชอบ said about a person is not lukewarm. ผมชอบคุณ (phǒm châwp khun) is the ordinary way to tell someone you are interested in them, and early on it is the right word, not a weaker substitute for the real one. มาก (mâak, very) strengthens it without turning it into a declaration. There is also แอบชอบ (àep châwp), literally "secretly like", which is the standard word for a crush. คิดถึง (khít-thěung) turns up in everyday messages far more than รัก, and it is the phrase most worth taking from this page. It is built from คิด (khít, to think) and ถึง (thěung, to reach): your thoughts travel to someone and arrive. English splits this into "I miss you" and "I have been thinking about you"; Thai uses one word for both, and uses it for a friend or a parent as readily as for a partner. The pronouns drop again: คิดถึงนะ (khít-thěung ná). Add จัง (jang) for "so much": คิดถึงจัง (khít-thěung jang). Between friends and family it carries no romantic claim. Sent one to one to someone you have only just met, it does read as interest, and that ambiguity is part of why the phrase is so useful. แฟน (faen) means partner. Boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife: one word, no gender inside it, and no information about marriage. It was borrowed from the English word "fan" and then went somewhere else entirely. Standing alone it means partner. It keeps the older sense inside compounds, though — แฟนบอล (faen-bawn) is a football fan, แฟนเพลง (faen-phleeng) a fan of a singer — so the word you want for a supporter is แฟนคลับ (faen-khláp). The trap runs one way in practice. Someone mentions their แฟน and you hear something casual, when they mean the person they have lived with for fifteen years. The formal words exist. สามี (sǎa-mii) is a husband and ภรรยา (phan-rá-yaa) a wife, and you will meet both on forms and in official settings. In conversation แฟน does the work for all of it. คุณมีแฟนหรือยัง (khun mii faen rěu yang), "do you have a partner yet", is a normal question to be asked early by someone you have only just met, usually with no flirtation in it; it sits next to where you are from and whether you have eaten. ผมมีแฟนแล้ว (phǒm mii faen láew) closes it politely, and ยังไม่มีแฟน (yang mâi mii faen) is the honest other answer. ที่รัก (thîi-rák) is the plain word for "darling", literally the one who is loved. Men and women both use it, out loud and in writing. ตัวเอง (dtua-eng), literally "self", is used between couples to mean "you", the way English couples use babe. It is common among younger couples and completely out of place with anyone you are not close to. Most of the time, though, a Thai partner is addressed by their nickname, which everyone here has and almost everyone uses. You will also hear a woman call her boyfriend พี่ (phîi) followed by his nickname, and this is not an endearment as such. พี่ means older sibling and is the everyday way to address anyone a little older than you, in a shop as much as at home. Between a couple it marks the age gap, not the relationship. The whole system sits in its own lesson: how to address people. สวย (sǔay) is beautiful — of a woman, and equally of a view, a dress, a flower or someone's handwriting: วิวสวย (wiw sǔay), ลายมือสวย (laai-meu sǔay). หล่อ (làw) is handsome. It is normally said of a man, and also of women who present or dress in a masculine way — it compliments a masculine kind of good-looking rather than reporting the person's gender. น่ารัก (nâa-rák) is endearing rather than good-looking, which is a different judgement altogether, and it is said of anyone and anything. น่า is a prefix meaning worth or inviting, so น่ารัก is worth loving in the same way that น่ากิน (nâa-gin) is worth eating. Among friends, family and colleagues you already know, appearance is remarked on freely and means little. From a stranger it is read differently, and คุณสวยมาก (khun sǔay mâak) said by a foreign man to a Thai woman he has just been introduced to does land as an approach, whatever was intended. Who is speaking, where, and who else is present decide how it reads. น่ารัก is the safest of the three, because it can land on a kindness, a dog or a well made cup rather than on a body. Watch the tone on สวย. It rises: sǔay. Said flat it becomes ซวย (suay), which means unlucky or jinxed. Same syllable, different melody, opposite compliment. จูบ (jùup) is the neutral verb, to kiss. The word people ask about, จุ๊บ (júp), is the sound a kiss makes and doubles as the light everyday verb — มาจุ๊บแม่หน่อย (maa júp mâe nàwy), come and give mum a kiss. It is often written doubled, จุ๊บๆ (júp júp), at the end of a message or to a small child. It is light and affectionate, closer to "kisses" than to "kiss". Older, and still in use, is หอม (hǎwm), which normally means fragrant and also means to kiss by putting your nose to someone's cheek and breathing in: หอมแก้ม (hǎwm gâem). That is what a grandmother does to a baby. One last thing, stated no more strongly than it deserves. Saying รัก out loud is generally less routine in Thai than "love you" is in English. It is much less likely than in English to be the sign-off on a phone call, though plenty of younger couples do end calls that way. What you will notice instead is affection carried by doing rather than saying: ordering the dish you like without asking, peeling the fruit, paying before you reach for your wallet, and above all กินข้าวหรือยัง (gin khâao rěu yang), "have you eaten yet", asked whenever people meet and usually meaning both things at once. It is care, and it is also frequently a real offer: answer ยัง (yang), not yet, and you may find yourself being fed. Do not measure how you are doing by how often you hear รัก back. More of this ground, with audio and both the male and the female forms of each sentence, is collected in the dating and family phrases.